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I'm Brent Keane, I'm an Aussie in his mid-30's, and synchronicity, geekery & bloggery is what you'll find here. My other blog: Keane On Comics. (I'll update my FAQ page sometime soon, promise.)

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Battleship (2012)

I went in (drunk) expecting a silly movie with explosions.

I came out with a belly full of rage. 

This feels like a movie written by executives and PR folk.  ”Make sure you put this in there, and make sure there’s this other thing that’s good for the boys in Marketing!”

I’ll say this: Director Peter Berg? Bravo for doing such a splendid job copying Transformers.  I didn’t think anyone could make as awful a movie in quite the same way, but you nailed it!

And I like Peter Berg.  I love Very Bad Things, Friday Night Lights, his short-lived tv show Wonderland.  Hell, even the Rundown was a treat. Kingdom? Decent, surprisingly decent!

But this? This is why people hate summer blockbusters.  This is everything movie critics complain about. Hell this is what movie audiences complain about.  There’s no soul to this movie.  It’s a bunch of bland actors (and Rhianna) running around tossing worthless dialogue in-between well-rendered explosions.  

They even went and got a stock blonde supermodel for the Love Interest.  Let’s put it this way: the guy they hired to just have no legs and be miserable? The guy who delivers his lines like he fails Voight Kampff tests for fun? That guy did a better job than the Love Interest. 

But let’s go deeper.  From the Wikipedia entry:

Some elements from the Battleship board game were integrated into the film:

  • The alien ships’ missiles are shaped like the pegs from the board game and “sink” into the ship.
  • The alien force field corresponds to the barrier between the sides of the board version of the game.
  • The buoys form a grid similar to the board game’s layout.
  • The sailors use the hit or miss guessing method from the game.
  • The aliens have five ships to start with, just like the game.

Such attention to detail! Such attention to everything but making a good film by writing an interesting script and filling the movie with characters worth giving a fuck about. 

Don’t get me started on their use of Naval veterans.  Despicable.  

This movie is despicable.  This movie is created solely to make money.  Not to entertain, or enlighten, not to educate or even distract.  This is a giant business deal given celluloid flesh.  A golem, with Hebrew writing on its forehead that roughly translates as “MAKE MONEY MACHINE”. 

So, yeah, don’t see it, is what I’m saying.  Please.  SHOW THEM WE WILL NOT BE FOOLED. DO NOT LET MY TIME SACRIFICE BE IN VAIN.  

Though…I DO want to play Battleship, now.  Oh…OH, OH YOU BASTARDS.

  1. mikewebkist reblogged this from louobedlam
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  3. thecomedyhipster said: Bravo
  4. louobedlam posted this